Happy Easter Son / Mom
We are getting ready to take Jay and Tiff to Brunch at Claira's on the River in Battle Creek. I didn't have it in me to cook a big dinner this year so we decided to do something different. We are meeting Grandpa H and Grandpa & Grandma S. there. Then we will go to vist you and Grandma H. I wanted to bring you both Easter Lilies, but it got cold and has been snowing the last several days so I guess lilies are out. I made you up a little Easter basket with some plastic eggs in it instead.
I miss you so much Brian. I hate that you aren't here, I just hate it!
I love you son. You are never far from my thoughts. Stay close to Grandma today, this is her first Easter there in Heaven.
Yesterday was so hard. I woke up wanting to just crawl in a hole somewhere! Matt and Afton had come down the night before and they stayed at the house so I had them there to get my mind off how bad I was feeling.
We had Matt, Afton, Jay, Tiff, Grandpa H, Grandpa & Grandpa S, all over for dinner. It kept me busy and my mind occupied. After dinner though when we were all having the chocolate cake I got in honor of you, I couldn't help but to notice the empty chair at the counter where you always sat. I had a plate there for you with a candle burning. It was like someone took a knife and drove it into my heart. I literally had to gasp for air! God how I miss you.
Today seems to be even harder for me. Maybe because I had so little time to myself yesterday. I didn't really have to time to get the tears out. I thought being busy like that would help and it did, but I still need the time to cry for you and for myself.
I hope you had a wonderful birthday in Heavan son. I hope you know how much you are loved and missed by all of us here.
Will you do your old mom a favor and give Grandma a big hug and kiss for me today on her birthday. I hope the two of you are spending it together. I miss you both so much.
Dear Brian / Diane And Paul Taylor (friend from POS )Read >>
Dear Brian / Diane And Paul Taylor (friend from POS )
Hey Baby, your mom is having a tough time right now. Can you send her some signs to let her know that you are with her? Fill her with love and good feelings. God bless your whole family~~ Close
I'm so sorry / Cynthia Durgin (none)
Hi, I am a stranger just passing through, but I looked at your website and want to extend my sympathy to your family on the loss of your precious son.
I have a 19 yr. old son who has ADHD, depression and anxiety. He is very smart and appears very normal, but his suffering is internal. I don't know, but maybe that is what happened to Brian. Please don't blame yourself. It's obvious how you, his mother, are hurting and it makes me so sad. Even though I don't know you, I am a mother and I feel your pain.
Remember God is taking good care of your son until you meet again.
Your car, your pride and joy, finally broke down. Looks like it is engine problems. Jay wants to try to fix it up enough to sell it, but I am having a very difficult time with that. I know we can't keep it forever, and that it is only a car, but it was your car. You were so proud of your first, almost new, car. You took such good care of it. I remember the day you paid it off and how happy you were. You worked hard for that car. It is almost, like losing a piece of you. God, how can I bare that? Right now it is parked here at the house and it just seems like it is home. God how I wish you were home. I can look at the car and pretend you are home, but it is such a dissapointment to walk in the house and know it is only a dream. I miss you more than I could ever put into words. It hurts real bad these days. I just want to touch you again, just one more time, is that so much to ask? I know though that one time would not be enough. If I could hold you one more time, I would never be able to let you go.
Sharing A Promise. / Esteban Afanador
To Brians' Family & Friends,
I too am the victim of my blood realitve & friend, my sister MoniQue Afanador, that fell into the hands of suicide. She died @ the age of 21 on May 3rd , 2003 from overdose. I know the feelings of pain,confusion,and helplessness with the mixture of many other thoughts & emotions you continue to ride through.I am very sorry that you had to go through what nobody should be subjected to,but the reality is that its real and its happening.
I also Know the questions that might of pass through your head as far as, where did our love ones go? are they ok? are they still around watching over us? Why God? Instead of wondering and speculating an answer I turned to an ancient book that professes to come form God,THE BIBLE, IF God explains life in the beginning then He sure can set the questions straight on what happens to us when we die and Much More....I would like to share with you A wonderful hope & promise.
The Bible that I found to be with deep research,authentic,in harmony through out, hundreds of years of events predicted that have come true. And never did these Bible writters give themselves creadit for their ablities but gave all creadit to God.
The condition of the dead, From the Bible: Psalms 146:4 "...he goes back to his ground; In that day his thoughts do perish."
Ecclesiastes 9:5,10 "For the livng are conscious that they will die;but as for the DEAD, they areconscious of nothing at all..."
Jesus spoke about the condition of the dead,when Lazarus that was Jesus friend died.Jesus told his disciples: "Lazarus our friend has gone to rest." But the disciples thought Lazarus was just sleeping, resting from an illness as they did back in the day without medicines.But Jesus explained:" Lazarus has died."(John 11:11-14)So Jesus,Gods Son, compared death to rest and sleep,but without dreams. Also other inspired scriptures,by God, compares death to sleep...Acts 7:60 & 1Corinthians 15:6
So the Bible teaches: When a person dies, he ceases to exist. Death is the opposite of life.The life we enjoy is like the flame of a candle. When the flame is put out, it does not go anywhere.Its simply gone.
Now Hope, a solution from the Bible: John 5:28,29 "All those in the memorial tombs...will come out."
Revelation 21:3,4 "...Look! the tent of God is with mankind,and he will reside with them...He will wipe out every tear from there eyes, and death will be no more..."
So the bible tells us that there will be a wonderful time when we can be reunited on Earth with our love ones we have lost,under the best conditions that we dont have today.
But when will this day come? Whats requried of us to get there?And the biggest question is why is this going on?
All of these questions and many others that we may wonder is all in the Bible to answer those...there is a Bible Base book that is an Aid called "What Does The Bible Realy Teach." That can help you understand and find true hope that can give you real answers straight from the bible! If your interested feel free e-mail me so I can give you the address to write to where you can recive a free copy of this wonderful book. Yours Turly, One whose been through IT!
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas. I have a candle burning for you and Grandma. Dad, Jay, Tiff and I took you and grandma flowers yesterday. Later I will be releasing a balloon to you. Christmas will just never be the same. I miss you so much.
I took out your fleece jacket, sprayed it with your favorite cologne and hung it on the chair at the counter where you always like to sit. It made it seem like you were here with us. Each time I walked by I got a wif of the cologne.
I had a small melt down this morning, but I managed to pull it together before everyone started arriving. I am just thankful Christmas is over!
Grandpa took a candle out to you and grandma today. He stood by each one of you and let the candle burn for a while. He is just so lonely without grandma.
Give grandma a hug for me and tell her I love her.
I love you with all my heart Brian and I miss you. Close
We had our faimly Chirstmas party at the house last night. There were a lot of people here and we had a good time. I sure did miss you though. You would have had a good time. You were just starting to get so you enjoyed those family functions and enjoyed being silly with the rest of us. I missed hearing your jokes, funny voices and laugh last night. You were with me in my heart and in my thoughts, as you always are.
Hello/ Sher (none)
My name is Sher. I just wanted you to know that I tried to commit suicide not once, but four times. What stopped my last attempt ( I went to drink bleach out of the bottle) I heard my little boy call to me. The exact conversation went like this: (silent thoughts in my head) I can't deal with being a failure to these children, can't stand the pain I am going through. Once the office and rooms are shut down, I'll do it then. Oh how I hate leaving them. They deserve better than this...they deserve a better life...they don't deserve Me. Out of no where comes a little voice... "Mommy?" "Yes baby?" "I love you!" "I love you too sweetheart!" "Goodnight, sweet dreams mommy." "Sweet dreams and goodnight to you too" "See you in the morning...love you again." "See you in the morning...Love you too!" (silent thoughts racing in head again) What the hell am I thinking?!!? I can't leave them here...not alone. Where will they go? What will they do? What kind of selfish person am I to think of my own pain...what about theirs? How can I be so cruel to do this... to think this way?
I just wanted you to know that I am diagnosed with bipolar with psychotic tendencies. I have been suffering for years and didn't realize my problems. I have been in therapy for four years. It has helped a little...my babies have helped ground me the most when these feelings come on me. I have four children(15,8,61/2,&51/2). We were living in a homeless shelter when I had my last serious bout with my depression (when I wanted to drink the bleach.) I'm glad my little boy (four at that time, now 8) called out to me. Without that voice telling me he loved me, I seriously think I wouldn't be here writing this to you. I understand somewhat how suicide works...it's very cruel and selfish. I just want you to know that I am sorry for you and your loss, and to thank you for your site and all the others like it. I was given an assignment to look up these web sites because of my suicidal thoughts that happen every year this time, by my therapist. Without it, I just don't know. I do have to say, it gives me insight to what I may have put my family through...to which I could never forgive myself. I will continue to seek my therapy and seek out my help for as long as I suffer with this illness...until I know I have a better grip on it...to which may or may not happen, but with all hope, I can at least try. Thank you. If you would like, you may email me at the address in the address bar. Thank you again Close
Halloween/ Mom
Oh Brian, I am so sorry I didn't stop in here yesterday and wish you a Happy Halloween! I didn't forget you! By the time I got home from work I forgot it was Halloween! You know we don't get trick or treaters out here. I am sorry baby. I don't even know if you celebrate the holidays where you are, but if you do, I hope you had a happy Halloween full of wonderful and special treats. I did get you a pumpkin with a painted face on it. I have it hear at the house, but I am taking it to you this weekend.
Dear Son / Mom
I can not stop thinking about how much I miss you. I long to touch you. Yesterday was a very bad day. I was desperate to be close to you. I finally went to your closet and took out your fleece jacket, the one you wore all the time because it was so comfortable. You left it at Wendi's house and she gave it to me a few months back. I cried when I saw it and then I put it in your closet and only touched it when I was really missing you. I couldn't bring myself to ware it. Then yesterday I took it out and put it on, now I don't want to ever take it off! I wrapped myself in it and felt you there with me. It hurts so much that all I have left is my memories of you and your things. I am thankful for those memories, for the 23 years I had with you, but I wanted more. I want you back.
I love you my sweet boy. You are never far from my thoughts and I carry you always in my heart.
Good night my sweet son / Mom
I was just getting ready to go to bed and thought I would stop in here and tell you good night. You are the first person I think of when I wake and the last person I think of before I go to sleep.
Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! Remember I use to say that to you when you were little. At first you giggled, then you wanted to know what a bed bug was and then you wanted me to check to make sure you didn't have any!
It has been a tough week for me. I can not stop thinking about you. I hurt so much baby. I go through each day letting everyone around me think that every thing is okay, but it isn't. I cry every second that I am alone and I cry myself to sleep each night. I know it is okay to cry for you, but it just hurts so much. It has been such a long time since I have seen your sweet face, touched you and heard you laugh. How can time go on without you? I can't think too far in advance or I panic! I could never imagine my life without one of my children and now I am living it. A million times I have wished things could be different. A million times I have wished you back. Why did you leave me baby? Do you miss me as much as I miss you?
There were so many things I wanted to say to you when I sat down here, but now all I can think about is how much I miss you and how much it hurts.
Thinking of you son / Mom
The light of the sun seems much duller since you have been gone and the glow of the moon less intense, but the stars shine bright now that you are amoung them.
Dad and I brought you some new flowers today. They are fall colors and they look so nice. I cleaned your marker and pulled the grass from around it. It is so hard seeing your name on that marker even after 2 1/2 years. I don't think it will ever get easy, how could it.
I have been really missing you a lot lately. The tears have been coming pretty regular these days. It hurts Brian, it breaks my heart and there is nothing I can do to ease the pain.
I took flowers to Grandma today too. Her marker is in and it is beautiful, but it is as hard to see her name on her marker as it to see your name on yours. I miss her too.
I love you Brian. I will always and forever be your mom. Death could not take that from me. You are my son and I miss you so.
I miss you sweetie, more than I ever thought I could miss anyone. I think of you every day and wish you were here with us. A million times I have wished things to be different, but no wishes, no amount of money, not even the thousands of tears that have been shed, can change what happened.
Dad, Grandpa, Uncle Rusty, Shannon and I all walked across Mackinaw Bridge on Labor Day. Yes your mother, the person scared of heights, walked across that bridge! Can you believe I did it?! I wasn't even scared. It was actually very relaxing. I want to go again next year. I thought of you as I walked, again wishing things could have been different. You never got to see the bridge. There were so many things you never got to do, so many places you never saw. I only hope that now that you are free, you can go anywhere in the world and see anything your heart desires.
I start school tomorrow and I am pretty nervous. I am extremly movtivated to do this, so that should help. I want to so something with my life other than sell insurance for the rest of it! It is going to be a long haul though, I just hope I can stay focused.
Well sweet child of mine, I have to go finish getting ready for work. I just wanted to stop in and keep you up to date on what is happening here the best I can.
I love you Brian, always have, always will, there is nothing that could ever change that.
To my sweet son / Mom
Oh baby I miss you so darn much! I don't know how much more hurt I can take. My heart is so heavy with pain today. I try so hard not to dwell on the "why's or what if's" and I try not to feel sorry for myself, but I have lost so much in the last two years! Losing you was devistating! I honestly did not think I would survive it nor did I want to. Then some how I found the strength to go on. I was starting to heal a little. I still missed you every single day, but I was begining to actually start to live again taking you with me every step of the way. Then I lost my mom and now I just feel so lost again.
Baby if there is some way you can send me a hug, I sure could use it! Oh how I long to hug you, kiss you, laugh at your silly jokes, just hear your voice.
Some how I have to find stength yet again. I don't know where it will come from this time.
I will love you for the rest of my life and I will always be your mom.
Grandma is with you now / Mom
Hi baby it's me. I only have a minute because I am on my way to Grampa Hutchings house. As you already know, Grandma Hutchings is with you in Heaven now. Oh baby, it is so unfair that I lost you and her both within 2 years! Grandma loved you so much and now she is there with you. I am going to miss her so much. Please take care of each other. Give her a hug and tell her how much you missed her and please remind her of how much we are all going to miss her here.
I love you with all my heart son. I see your light shining through in everything I do. Thank you. Thank you for being my son.
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