I have a picture of you on my desk it has been on my desk for a long time yet for some reason today when I caught a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye I got a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach! I turned around to look at it really look at it and I started to cry. That beautiful face gone forever from my sight. All I have now are pictures to remind me of what you looked like well that and my memory but my memory can't be count on too much these days. I miss that face. I miss your smile your laugh the voices you use to make the faces you use to make I miss everything about you I miss you. It still hurts like it was yesterday sometimes.
I love you my beautiful boy with the smile that lit up a room.
Brian/ Austin Landau
Jason just found me on facebook and i hadn't heard from or seen any of you guys in a really long time so i was surprised. When i asked about the family i heard the unfortunate news of your passing. I am so sorry to hear it. I wish we had been able to keep in touch better but we were just young kids when our families moved...
I'll never forget Brian standing up for me all the time when i was the smallest kid in our grade...i'll never forget all the times we played basketball out back at your house and beat Jason and Matt haha...ill never forget the football games the late night sleep overs at your house playing video games til the sun came up...fishing swimming the toy race car track and all the crazy terrorizing of the neighborhood we did....im glad your mom put up with me wanting to come over EVERY day!
When i think back to that time in my life you are a part of all those memories.....and im thankful for that
Here I am again, missing you as usual / Mom Read >>
Here I am again, missing you as usual / Mom
The wedding was beautiful Brian! I tried so hard to push sad thoughts of you and grandma not being there deep down so I wouldn't be sad at the wedding. It was Matt & Afton's day and they deserve to be happy. I am so proud of you brother! I know he and Afton are going to have a happy life together. As in everyones life I know they will have their ups and downs but they will face them together and together they will get through the tough times.
I wanted so much for you Brian. I wanted you to find someone to share your life with someone that you could face the ups and downs of life with. I wanted you to be a father if that is what you wanted. I wanted you to enjoy life. I was happy for your brother and we all had a good time at the wedding but I was also sad for you because I know that all of the joys of life are over for you. It is true that the bad things are over as well but life also has joyful moments not all bad and my heart just hurts so for you that you are missing the joys.
Matt and Afton had a memorial table set up with your picture on it. They chose the picture together and it was a good one. They also had a vase with flowers for grandma and for Afton's grandma. I thought that was very sweet of them. They just wanted so much for all of you to be a part of their happy day.
I still feel guilty whenever I am happy and having a good time like I did at their wedding because you aren't there and even though we all deserve to be happy I still feel the guilt. I guess that is just part of being a mom. You know though that there is not one day that goes by that I do not miss you not one sinlge day! I will miss you till the day I take my last breath!
Now we are awaiting the birth of our first grandchild! Your first niece or nephew. It is so sad that this child will never get to meet you. I know you would have loved being an uncle.
I am going to go for now baby it is getting hard to type with the tears streaming down my face.
You know I love you but I am going to say it again anyway I LOVE YOU.
I have been avoiding coming here becuase this is just so hard. I want to tell you that you are going to be an uncle! Matt and Afton, your little baby brother, are having a baby. I told you they were getting married, the wedding is in 13 days and now they are having a baby. I wonder what you would think about that. How would you feel about being an uncle? I imagine you would be excited. I imagine what kind of uncle you would be and I know you would be a great uncle! Oh baby, you are missing out on so much and it hurts me so much. Things are changing and our family is growing but you are not here to share in all of this. I am extremly excited to be a grandma, but I can't help but be sad at the same time. I promise you that your little niece or nephew will know you, they will know that you were a huge part of this family and that you are always with us. That child will hear stories and see pictures of his uncle Brian. You may not be here with us but you are not forgotten and never will be.
I love you with all my heart son and I miss you with all of it too.
Five years ago today I had to say my final goodbye and lay you to rest. This day is so very difficult for me. I remember standing next to your casket at the cemetary and they told me I had to leave you there, I could move, my legs became like jelly! How could I walk away and leave you there my precious son?? I had to, I had no choice, the choice was taken from me the day you took your life. This life without you is so sad. I miss you so very much. I know I say that all the time, but honestly, there are no words to discribe just how much I miss you and how much my heartaches for you.
Tough day today son. I wanted to go to the cemetery and take you flowers, but for some reason I just couldn't go. I just didn't think I could face it today. I have felt on the edge of a breakdown all day. I miss you so damn much!
I had a candle burning for you most of the day and I have tried to remember all the good times we had with you, but your death has also been on my mind. I still, after five years, can not believe you are gone.
My heart still aches every day for you. Just know I love you, I always have and I always will.
3/14/09-Today is your 28th birthday and it is another one without you here. We went to the cemetary today and took ou some balloons and cleaned up your marker after the long hard winter left it dirty and dingy. There is so much more I want to do for you, but now all I can do is bring you flowers or balloons, clean your marker and then walk away.
I thought as time went on these days would become gentler for me, but I was wrong. I miss you so much and I am so very sad. Every day I think of you and almost every day I shed a tear or several tears for you and for myself. I sometimes think I have come to terms with what happened, but then days like this make me realize that I haven't and make me wonder if I ever will.
I am sure other people think days like today should be getting "easier" for me, but how could they??? You are not here so how could they ever get easier??? Sometimes I get so tired of trying to hide my pain, for the most part I think I do a good job of it, but it is so draining. Some days I just want to openly cry for you and for what I have lost, but others don't understand and so I hide the pain and the tears the best I can.
I hope you are happy and free and that your birthday was a wonderful celebration wherever you are. I know you are some place safe, someplace where you are no longer in pain and someplace where you can laugh and not shed any more tears. I know this is going to sound selfish and I am sorry, but I can't help it, I still wish you were here with me, with all of us. I want to hear that laugh again, see that smile and wipe away the tears.
I love you son and I wish you a wonderful birthday.
Brian, please watch over your brother. He left yesterday and is moving so far away. My heart is broken and I am worried sick, but I want him to be happy and have a good life. Please be with him.
I know things are supposed to change, but accepting change can be very difficult. I have had to accept living my life without you and grandma, I have had to accept living 6 hours away from Matt and now I have to accept living a day drive away from Jay! He is moving to Florida this week to go to school. I am very proud of him, but scared and nervous for him at the same time. I feel like my whole life just keeps changing and my children are getting further and further away from me. Matt says he and Afton are moving to Florida in August. They will have only been married 1 month and then will be moving even further away.
I know that things can not stay the same forever, kids grow up, get married, move away, and worst of all, they die. I know I will still be able to talk to Jay and go and visit him from time to time, but it isn't the same as having him right here close by.
So many times I want to pick up the phone and call you, but that is impossible now. I wont be able to visit you, or call you or see you on holidays and that hurts more than words can ever say. So I know I should be greatful that I can still do that with Jay and Matt, oh and believe me, I am, it is just so hard to let go. I know it is time, I know I have to do it, but as a mother it seems impossible. Letting go of you was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and to tell the truth I don't think I will ever really let go, how can I.
I just never realized how hard this was going to be. How hard it is to watch your children grow, take care of them, worry about them, love them, and then watch them walk away. I know you will always be my children, nothing can ever change that, but I worry that we will all grow apart if we live so far apart. How do you hold on and let go at the same time? I will never figure that one out.
Your little brother is getting married! He and Afton are getting married in Aplena on July 25th. It seems so strange to have one of my boys getting married. Weren't you all just little tow heads in diapers last week?! Time goes by so fast.
I am very excited about the wedding, but it has made me think about you a lot. I hate that you will miss your little brothers wedding. I know you will be there with us in spirt, but I would give anything if you were there physically. It will be a happy and sad day. I know
You would like Afton. She is a sweet girl. She and Matt are good for each other. I can see you teasing your little brother about the "old ball and chain" Jay has already been teasing him, but I know he is happy for his little brother.
We are all very excited and happy for Matt. But the thought of you never having the expereince of meeting someone who steals your heart away, falling in love and getting married to your soulmate just breaks my heart.
I am so sorry I didn't get here on Christmas. We went to Matt & Aftons and I overslept! I was rushing like a mad women to get everything packed and ready to go. But I hope you know you were in my thoughts. I put up your stocking like I do every year, I put a card in it like I do every year and I released a balloon like I do every year. These are new traditions for me.
We had a nice Christmas, but as always, you were so very missed. We talked about you and I know you were with us.
Since you left us, we have become a very close family. We share everything with each other and we enjoy spending time together. Oh don't get me wrong, it isn't all peaches and cream! We still have our moments and the occassional arguments. We are all pretty opinionated. Yes us! :) But we have learned that life is extemly fragile and we know that our time here is limited, you taught us that. I wish things could have been different while you were here. I wish we had all been a lot closer than we were. It is so sad that it took losing you to wake us all up.
I love you son. I am wishing you a belated Merry Christmas, I hope you had a wonderful day with the angels, grandma, Brady and Aunt Gena, as well as all of our other family that is there with you.
Soon we will all be facing a New Year and instead of bringing new hope it brings new fears. Our world is in kind of a mess right now. I can only hope that there is a light at the end of this scary tunnel.
Wishing you a Happy and Wonderful New Year. I know that where you are there is always hope and joy.
Dad, Jay and I got new phones. We all have cameras and text messaging now. Matt does too. I still have not figured out how to change my settings so I can text message! Ok, I know, I am getting old and don't get all this new technology! You can stop laughing at me now. Anyway, Jay and I were just sending each other silly pictures and I started thinking about you. If you were here we would be doing the same thing! Everything makes me miss you. Even the silly things like text messaging silly pictures. I just miss you so much. You would have loved these new phones! I can imagine you taking pictures of all sorts of wierd stuff and sending them to all of us. You always did have a great sense of humor. I miss that too.
Christmas is right around the corner and I have been so sad. Just like every year since you left I go through the motions and I try so hard to make it fun for everyone, but I just hurt so much. Every time I am in a store I see something you would have liked and I just want to scream! I did most of my shopping online this year, like every year since you left, because it is just easier that way. If I see something I would have liked to buy you and I break down sobbing, at least I am at home in my office by myself and not in a crowded mall somewhere. I have learned that I just have to make adjustments in the way I do things now. Why is life so damn hard and unfair?! I was supposed to go first you know, not YOU! It isn't right and nothing will ever make it right.
I hope you know how much I love you and have always loved you. You boys have always been the most important people in my life. That will not change just becasue you are not here physically.
I am sending you a text message to heaven, a picture of my tears, so you will know that I will always miss you . This text isn't meant to hurt you or make you feel bad, it is just my way of showing you that you meant something, you were worth something, you were important and you left a huge void in my life by leaving. I would love a text message from you with a picture of your smiling face so I can see that you are okay and happy. That is all I ever want for my children.
We missed you so much today! Dad, Jay and I went to Grandma Street's for dinner. Saturday Matt and Afton will be here and we are having my family over. You will be missed again. You are always missed. Not one single day since you left have you not been missed. I hope somehow you know that we are always thinking of you, missing you and love you.
Dad, Grandpa H, Jay and I went to visit you and Grandma today. We took you grave blanket out to you. It still hurts so much that the only thing I can get you for Christmas now is a grave blanket. It just isn't fair. I miss bugging you for your Christmas list, shopping for you and seeing your face Christmas morning. I can not believe we are about to face a 6th Christmas without you. How can that be?
I love you with all of my heart son. I am sending you warm hugs and wet kisses today.
My sleepless nights are not over. Tonight I am afraid to close my eyes, because so far every time I try I see you laying there lifeless. How can someone so beautiful be laying there lifeless, gone from me forever? Even four years later it at times still is so unreal to me. I panic at the thought of never seeing you again, never touching you again, never hearing your voice again, how can that even be so? Children should not die before their parents, it just is not right damn it and it never will be! How can we be expected to go on with our lives with our one of our precious children? I hate it, I just HATE IT!
I miss you every day son. The pain some days is a little softer now, but other days, like tonight, it is so raw and real, that it literally hurts to breathe!
I know tomorrow is another day, and maybe, just maybe it will be a little better, but it will never ever be the same. Our lives have forever changed and I will never be the person I was when you were here. I always say a part of me died the day you died, and it is so true. I can't even explain how different my life is now. Sometimes I feel like I am living a strangers life and I wonder if I will ever recognize myself again.
Someone told me recently that you thought that if you died no one would miss you, did you really think that? I am sorry son, but that made me very angry! How could you think for one second that your own mother would not miss you? I can not believe that you really deep down inside felt that way, God I hope not. I miss you so much! I will always miss you and I will always long for one more hug, one more touch, just one more. The truth is though, I know that one more would not be enough for me, I want a life time, my life time, with you.
I am so very grateful to have had you in my life. I was so blessed to be your mother. Thank you Brian for being my son. I am going to try to go and rest now, my head is spinning and feels like it will explode any second! I just had to come here and talk to you. I had to tell you that I still love you, that I will always love you and that I will never ever forgot you my beautiful child.
I still hurt every day. I have been thinking of you so much lately and it hurts. It is just not the pain from missing you, but the pain of you missing so much every day. Even when you were here life was so hard for you that you missed out on so much of the good. I so wish I could turn back the clock and change things for you. I wish I could give you some kind of happiness and peace while you were still here so maybe, just maybe you wouldn't have left. I hate the thought of you being sad for even on second. Are you happy now son? Did you find the peace you were looking for? I hope so. I am left now with a pain that I can not even describe. On the outside I appear to be "normal" but on the inside it is like a cancer eating away at all my vital organs, especially my heart. Every day it seems to get weaker and weaker. There are some days that easier to cope than others, but even on those days, the pain of missing you is still there. I just hope you know how much I love you, that is something death can never take away. I will love you for the rest of my life and beyond. If I could change things, I would, but I know it is not in my power to do that. Still there is always that hope in my heart that this is all just a horrible dream that I will wake up from. Every morning when I open my eyes, I think that maybe I have finally woken from this nightmare, but then reality hits me and I realize that you are still gone from me. I love and miss you Brian. I miss grandma too. She has been in my thoughts a lot lately as well. Please tell her I love her and I miss her, give her a big hug for me. Is she spoiling you and Brady rotten, like she always did? I am sure she is. Give everyone a hug for me. Love forever, Mom
OMG, I forgot to tell you, I got my braces off! I can't believe I forgot to tell you that. I am sure you already know, but still I have to tell you anyway.
My teeth feel so wired! I didn't like the way the looked at first, they just looked so strange to me, but I am getting use to them now.
I can't help but think about you and your braces. You would have gotten yours off soon, but well you never did. I was so looking forward to seeing you smile again. I know you hated showing your braces. I hate that you never go the chance to get them off. I am sure it would have helped with your confidence, but I guess I will never know that for sure now. :(
We are staying put for now. No move to TX. I am greatful to still be in my home though. I have memories of you in this house. So many times I will walk into a room and I will remember a conversation we had, or a laugh we shared. I am greatful for my memories, but it isn't memories I want, it is you I want. I want you back here with us. Although my greif has changed over the years, it never goes away. I will never stop missing you.
The fourth of July is right around the corner. The fourth is a hard holiday for me because it was your favorite. I remember your last foruth with us like it was yestarday! You were in the back yard lighting off fire works you got in Indiana and I was worried you would blow your hand off! You and Wendi were having so much fun lighting off fire works. I can see your face lite up with a smile and I hear your laughing at me for saying "Brian, becareful!". No holiday or any day for that matter, is the same wihtout you.
I miss you so much baby! God, I wish I could see you one more time! I would wrap my arms around you and never let you go!
I hope you know that no matter where we go you will always be with us. We are not leaving you behind when we move, we will be taking you with us in our memory & our hearts. No matter where I end up living in this world I know that one day I will be resting next to you & we will be together again.
It is going to be so hard for me to leave for this house & move so far away. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is just your body resting there, your spirit is free & goes with me no matter where I am.
Sad :( / Mom (Mother)
I miss you so much and I am just so sad. I have a horrible empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. My heart hurts. I think it is broken beyond repair. I just want you back. I don't want to miss you anymore and the only way that will happen is if you were here! Close
My beautiful boy, oh how I miss your sweet face! I just wanted you to know that you are never far from my thoughts and you are at all times in my heart. I cherrish the memories I have of you. I will never stop missing you son. Every time I think of you a tear slides down my face. Even the times when I laugh or smile at a memory I have, it still ends with a tear, a tear for what I miss, a tear for what you have missed, a tear for what you went through and a tear for what I now go through every day, the pain of missing you.
I love you forever and ever, forever my son you will be.
Tributes and Condolences
Anyway, Jay and I were just sending each other silly pictures and I started thinking about you. If you were here we would be doing the same thing! Everything makes me miss you. Even the silly things like text messaging silly pictures. I just miss you so much. You would have loved these new phones! I can imagine you taking pictures of all sorts of wierd stuff and sending them to all of us. You always did have a great sense of humor. I miss that too.
Just like every year since you left I go through the motions and I try so hard to make it fun for everyone, but I just hurt so much. Every time I am in a store I see something you would have liked and I just want to scream! I did most of my shopping online this year, like every year since you left, because it is just easier that way. If I see something I would have liked to buy you and I break down sobbing, at least I am at home in my office by myself and not in a crowded mall somewhere. I have learned that I just have to make adjustments in the way I do things now. Why is life so damn hard and unfair?! I was supposed to go first you know, not YOU! It isn't right and nothing will ever make it right.
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