OMG, I forgot to tell you, I got my braces off! I can't believe I forgot to tell you that. I am sure you already know, but still I have to tell you anyway.
My teeth feel so wired! I didn't like the way the looked at first, they just looked so strange to me, but I am getting use to them now.
I can't help but think about you and your braces. You would have gotten yours off soon, but well you never did. I was so looking forward to seeing you smile again. I know you hated showing your braces. I hate that you never go the chance to get them off. I am sure it would have helped with your confidence, but I guess I will never know that for sure now. :(
We are staying put for now. No move to TX. I am greatful to still be in my home though. I have memories of you in this house. So many times I will walk into a room and I will remember a conversation we had, or a laugh we shared. I am greatful for my memories, but it isn't memories I want, it is you I want. I want you back here with us. Although my greif has changed over the years, it never goes away. I will never stop missing you.
The fourth of July is right around the corner. The fourth is a hard holiday for me because it was your favorite. I remember your last foruth with us like it was yestarday! You were in the back yard lighting off fire works you got in Indiana and I was worried you would blow your hand off! You and Wendi were having so much fun lighting off fire works. I can see your face lite up with a smile and I hear your laughing at me for saying "Brian, becareful!". No holiday or any day for that matter, is the same wihtout you.
I miss you so much baby! God, I wish I could see you one more time! I would wrap my arms around you and never let you go!
I hope you know that no matter where we go you will always be with us. We are not leaving you behind when we move, we will be taking you with us in our memory & our hearts. No matter where I end up living in this world I know that one day I will be resting next to you & we will be together again.
It is going to be so hard for me to leave for this house & move so far away. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is just your body resting there, your spirit is free & goes with me no matter where I am.
Sad :( / Mom (Mother)
I miss you so much and I am just so sad. I have a horrible empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. My heart hurts. I think it is broken beyond repair. I just want you back. I don't want to miss you anymore and the only way that will happen is if you were here! Close
My beautiful boy, oh how I miss your sweet face! I just wanted you to know that you are never far from my thoughts and you are at all times in my heart. I cherrish the memories I have of you. I will never stop missing you son. Every time I think of you a tear slides down my face. Even the times when I laugh or smile at a memory I have, it still ends with a tear, a tear for what I miss, a tear for what you have missed, a tear for what you went through and a tear for what I now go through every day, the pain of missing you.
I love you forever and ever, forever my son you will be.
Beautiful tribute, Cheri / Cherylann Teboekhorst (friend to mom online )
A beautiful memorial for a sensitive boy, Brian. My heart goes out to you, Cheri, as your words and photos show how deeply you love your precious son. God bless you and your family. Close
Merry Christmas son / Mom
I hope you had a beautiful day today baby. Do you celebrate Christmas now? I don't really know, but I hope you do and I hope it was filled with wonderful pain free memories.
My day was so busy but, even as busy as I was, I thought of you often and I missed you every second! Watching your brothers open their gifts and seeing how happy they were filled my heart with joy and love, but there is still that peice of my heart that is missing, the peice you took with you.
It is quite here now, everyone has left, dad just took Wendi home and I sit here thinking of you and missing you so much I can barely stand it. Christmas is just not the same. I long to see your face. I missed seeing you this morning sitting on the floor opening presents. What would you have asked for this year I wonder.
I long so badly to hug you and to tell you I love you. It hurts down deep in my soul.
Dad took pictures of all the kids and it just seems so wired to look at them without you in them. What would you look like today? Would your hair be short? Would you have grown it long? Would your features have changed or would you pretty much look the same? I see changes in your brothers every time I see them, so I know you would have changed as well. What would you look like? I see you in my mind the way you looked before you left us and I try to imagine what you would look like today, but I can't see you any different.
Just one more touch, one more kiss, one more hug, one more I love you, just one more day with you, that is what I want. Only I know in my heart one day would never be enough. I want a lifetime with you. I want to see you get married, have childeren, have a full life, that is what I really want for Christmas.
I hung your stocking and put a card in it with a personal note from me to you. I set a place at the counter and placed a candle on your plate. I sent balloon's to you and grandma, I hope you got them. I tried so hard to keep you a part of the day, I can't just let special days go by without doing something in your memory, something that will help me feel like you are still a part of it all. I do the best I can to honor you every day baby.
I miss you and I love you with all my heart and soul.
To A Beautiful Angel. / Joan Taylor. (None.)Read >>
To A Beautiful Angel. / Joan Taylor. (None.)
Hi To Cheri & Tim. I am so deeply sorry to hear about your son Brian. My heart and prayer's go out to you both. Try to be strong and be there for one another. Brian is looking over you both now and alway's. And he his waiting for the day when you both will join him in Heaven. Brian is one of God's beautiful Angel's now. Sweet Brian Good Night & God Bless You Now And Alway's. Love And Lot's Of Hug's. To Cheri & Tim. From Joan Taylor. England. If You Wish To Visit My Tibby'S Website Here is The Address. http:www.myfriendtibby.com. Love Joan. Close
It is that time of year again, the holidays are sneaking up on us. This is such a hard time of year for me. I ordered your grave blanket the other day and that always hurts. It hurts so much knowing the only thing I can buy you for Christmas now is a grave blanket. Oh baby, I miss you so much. The missing never goes away. I still long to see your face, to hear your voice, to hear you laugh and to tell you I love you one more time. I know it doesn't do any good to say "if only" but I still say it. If only I would have known, if only I would have gotten up that night and went to your room, if only you had come to my room and talked to me, if only the world were a perfect place, if only.............
It is hard for me to find comfort in anything this time of year. I go through the motions of getting Chirstmas present and planning what we will do for Thanksgiving, but during it all my heart is heavy and aches for you. Somehow I will get through yet another holiday season, I just dread them so.
I love you sweet son of mine, I love you and I dream of you. I see your sweet face every time I close my eyes. I feel you near when I call out for you. Still, nothing can replace the actual physical touch. If I could wish you back, I would. I would wish you back with a happy life, not a sad one. I would wish you back and make your world a better place for you. If only wishes came true, if they did you would be here with us right now. I wish it every day.
You are never far from my thoughts and you are always in my heart. I love, love, love you!
I know Sebastain is with you now. You always thought he was a spoiled devil dog and well okay he was, but we loved him. He is just a little guy, watch out for him will you. He suffered so bad in the end he needs a little TLC. We tried to keep him comforted, but you know there was nothing we could do for him. I miss you so much son. I know you will look out for our little pooter.
There are times I feel like you are so far away from me and then there are times I feel you near to me. I know you must be worried about me, I am sure you can see or sense the terrible time I have been having. I know you try to comfort me and I am grateful. Sometimes though son, the pain is so bad I can not seem to be comforted. I am grateful for your persistence though. Most times your presence does comfort me. Sometimes it leaves me missing you even more though. Don't give up on me yet and don't leave me, we will get through this together.
The burp in the kitchen the other night sure did make me laugh. At first it scared me, I thought someone had broken into the house! After a second though I realized, no one could burp like that but you! You still crack me up with that. Thanks for making me laugh, I needed that.
I love you my dear sweet Brian. I will always love you. You and your brothers are the loves of my life. Thank you for being in my life physically for 23 years and for continuing to be in my life spiritually.
Grandma visits me sometimes too. Not as often as you seem to, but she does make her presence known. Of course she always had a strong presence in life, why should her sprit be any different?
Give your grandma a hug for me and tell her I love and miss her too.
I have been having a really rough time of it lately. I miss you so much. I just keep asking why? Why did you have to die? You were so young, so handsome, so full of life and so very loved, why, why, why! I am sure most people think I should be over asking why, but damn it, I am not! I can't wrap my mind around it. I just can not understand any of it. Why you had to suffer, why you hurt so badly and why you didn't feel you could talk to me, or someone about what you were going through. I am not angry with you son, I just don't understand and I ache for you.
I don't know why you had to suffer like you did. I only wanted you to be happy and feel loved. I feel like I failed you. How do I live with that? I guess how I do it is I go on punishing myself every day. I believe that I will for the rest of my life. I can not forgive myself and I have to live with that.
I love you more than you will ever know. I wish I had told you every single day. I wish I had not went one day go by without hugging you. I can only hope that you really did know that you were loved, but that even that love could not heal your pain and suffering. If I could have I would have taken that pain as my own and relieved you of it. Now I suffer a pain each day that is indescribable!
I feel like I am walking through a dark cloud all the time. Once in a while the sun manages to peek through, but it is oh so brief. I am consumed in a world of darkness and I have to fight my way out every day. I have to grab those moments of light and hold on to them so I can survive to fight another day. This is the life of a parent who has lost the most precious thing in the world, their child.
I love you my dear sweet Brian. I miss you like crazy. I am sending you wet kisses and warm hugs.
Happened on this by mistake / Brad (none)
I was looking for a friend by the same name and was so moved by this memorial. I have two young daugthers and have suffered a bit of depression my self for most of my life.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you have gone through. This is an incredible tribute to your son.
Hi Baby / Mom
Having a hard time sleeping tonight. I am on pain pills for my back and normally they put me out, but tonight my head is filled with missing you and even the pills aren't helping me sleep.
Oh I guess I didn't tell you, I was in a car accident last week. I was sitting at a red light and it had just turned green, I took my foot off the break and before I could even touch the gas, WHAM some girl not paying attention slammed into the back of me. My brand new car is really messed up, $11,000 in damge. My back is pretty messed up too. I have been off work for a week now. I have a sprained back and whip lash. My left shoulder is feeling better, but my neck, spine and lower back still really hurt. I have a hard time sitting for too long. My doctor told me to try walking a little each day and I try, but it is painful. Life just seems to keep smacking me in the face. I feel like someone is trying to completely break me down.
After you died I wanted to die. I was in rough shape for several months, but I slowly started pulling myself out of the dark hole I was in and tried to focus on the life. But, one thing after another keeps happening. I keep trying to stay postitive and fight, but I am starting to feel defeated. I could really use a sign from you baby, something to let me know that life is still worth fighting for. I have family who loves me and it is for them that I keep fighting, but it is really getting hard, I am starting to get tired. I sure could use a break. Just one good thing, is that too much to ask.
I am thankful for your brothers. They are what keeps me going. I am so proud of them. They are such fine young men. Just as I was always proud of you, you too were a fine young man. You are all children that any mother would be proud to call son.
I miss you Brian. These last few days being at home unable to do much of anything, I have had too much time to think. All I can seem to think about is how much I miss you. The missing never goes away.
Well, I am starting to get fuzzy from my medication. I guess I had better try to lay down. I just like to come here and visit you when I can't sleep. It gives me some peace to talk to you.
Nightmare!/ Mom
I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamed you were dead! I woke up thinking it was just a nightmare and then I realized, it was true. Oh baby, I miss you so much! I wish it has just been a nightmare and I would have waken to found that you were still alive. I hate this Brian. I hate that you are gone. I want you back so badly! I love you so much. It just isn't fair that you are gone. Close
Thank you / Mom
Thank you for visiting me my dream last night. Your face was so clear. When you laughed your whole face lit up. It is bitter sweet to have you visit me in my dreams. It is sweet because I miss you so much and seeing you there is so wonderful, but then I have to wake up. I hate waking up and you are gone. It hurts, but don't stop visiting me, that would hurt worse!
hey cuz / Melissa Hutchings (cousin)
well by time i get to your page im pretty drained....so ill just tell you i miss you...and i know alot of other people miss you as well Close
Three years ago today, the final good-bye / Mom Read >>
Three years ago today, the final good-bye / Mom
Three years ago today I had to say my final good-bye. It was the last time I ever touched you. I remember it so well. I hugged you as tight as I could, I kissed your sweet lips and I told you how much I love you and how much I would miss you. I didn't want to let go of you. I wanted to lay down next to you and go with you. Then at the cemetery when I had to walk away, I just couldn't do it. My legs were like jelly and every once of strength I had was gone. I begged them to make me leave you there! I begged them to let me go with you! But, in the end, I had to walk away and leave you there.
This has to be the hardest pain a parent will ever have. I felt pain when you were sad, I felt pain when you cried, I felt pain when you skiined you knee or fell down, but this pain, this pain is just undiscribable. I didn't want to leave you son, believe me, I didn't, I had no choice. When you ended your struggles in this world, you left me no choice. Now I live with pain and I struggle every day just to survive. I use to just get out of bed in the morning without much thought, now I struggle to get up. I can not seem to find a reason to get out of that damn bed in the morning! As soon as my eyes are open, the pain is there, waiting to consume me. I know my day will be filled with the struggle of trying to keep that from happening.
I am not angry with you son, nor do I blame you for my pain. I blame myself. I wasn't there for you when you needed me, I deserve every stab to my heart.
The only way I can make it through my struggles each day is knowing that I have Dad, Jason & Matt. Them and the thought of seeing you again some day are what keep me going. You kids are my whole world. Did you know that Brian? Did you know, really know, how much I loved you, how much I still love, how much I will always love you? I hope you did.
What can I say now except what I seem to repeat over and over, I miss you.
dejavu/ Melissa Hutchings (cousin)
Well i stopped by my moms site before i came here and posted a msg for her. I had been thinking about brian all memorial weekend and my mom since mothers day but posting on these takes alot out of me and i just couldnt bring myself to do it
Anyways after posting on my moms i came right here. I stopped and read cheri's last post first and i couldnt believe how similar it was to the post i left my mom. It kinda freaked me out. It didnt make me feel any better either, i mean knowing the pain doesnt get any easier. But it did make me feel a lil better that im not the only one that feels the way i do.
Anyways summer is a hard time. it seems everyone left us during this time. not to mention mothers day, gramas bday.
Ok i cant do this anymore my crying is giving me a headache....ill hafta post on gramas another time when i can get the strength to do it Close
Dear Brian, / Mom
How can it be 3 years?! I just can not get my mind to accept that. I never went more than a few days without seeing you before this. My heart can not accept this. It just aches for you.
This past thee years has been filled with so many ups and downs. Some days I think of you and I smile. My heart swells with love for you. I see your face so clearly in my mind. I see you smiling, laughing, I hear your voice, and it is all so clear. Then other days it seems fuzzy. I still see your face, but I wonder if I am really remembering the sound of your voice, what you looked like when you smiled or laughed. I get so scared that I will forget. I know I will never forget you, not ever, but will your laughter fade away with time? I have already lost you, I can not stand the thought of losing you in my memory too! I want to remember everything about you, every little thing. I want to be able to remember the way you walked, what you believed in, what you ate, what your favorite color was, what you favorite food was, what trips you took at school, who all your firends where, what clothes you wore, what your favorite songs where, every single thing! Yet, my memory seems to fail me at times and I can stand that!
Did I dream this disbelief, or did I believe this dream? This just can not be real, it just can't be. When will I wake up from this horrible nightmare and touch you again?
I took you flowers yesterday and I just sat there and cried till I could cry no more. I have the hardest time walking away and leaving you there. Every time it tares my heart out. It takes me days to recover from a trip to visit you. Letting them put you in the ground was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Now every time I go there to visit you and I have to walk away and leave you, I feel that same horrible pain. I just want to sit there and stay with you until the end of time.
I have come to realize that this pain will never go away, it will never get easier. People told me in the begining that eventually, with time, it would get easier and I held out hope that was true, but it isn't. How could the pain of losing you ever get easier? Some days are gentler yes, and I am able to function better some days than others, but the pain is always there. I guess I have just learned to live with the pain like people who have lost their sight, or a limb, they learn to adjust their lives and live with it, but do they ever really get over the loss? I lost a part of myself the day I lost you and I will never get that part back, I will live forever with the pain of this loss.
I want you to be happy son, and I pray that you finally are. I want you to be free of this horriible pain that I feel. I never want you to feel such pain. I hope that you have found happiness and no longer struggle with any demons.
I love you Brian. I always will. Nothing could ever make me stop loving you. I am your mom, I carried you under my heart for nine months, and now I will carry you in my heart till the day it stops beating.
I may be sad and hurting today, but I am determined to remember your life, not your death. You lived and you touched many lives during your short 23 years. I want to remeber the life you had inside of you. I try every day to remember that. What you brought to my life, love, joy, life, I will never forget and will always be greatful for.
Thank you for being my son. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank you for every hug, every kiss, every laugh, every single moment.
Tributes and Condolences
